My Seminarians are Holier than Yours!

Not shy to name names, Michael Gilchrist of AD2000 fame calls Queensland the "worst state" for attracting students to the seminary, in his new book "LOST!".

I haven't read it, but I expect Gilchrist draws on the success of the recent TV series, and has the Catholic reader imagine himself marooned in Brisbane. Depending on its success, I expect it will spawn a TV series of its own - a kind of "Suspense Thriller" type arrangement, always leaving you wondering what's going to come down the aisle in the next episode.

Now you'd think Queenslanders would admit that they're not doing so well. Bringing 7 chips to the table against your opponent's 44 is not a good start to Texas Hold'em. But it's not all about numbers, says the local Arch, as reported in Cathnews. No, Your Grace - one of the most important skills in this game is knowing how to bluff.

"I have no desire for candidates to priesthood who wish to take the Church back to a past certainly noted for its numbers, but sadly uncovered in more recent times its sinfulness,"

But his bluff backfires a little . . .

So in "the so-called golden past" the seminaries were only full because they were full of such sinful people? How terrible! So where are all these godless reprobates now?

Well I dunno! Where do seminarians go when they graduate?

Umm . . . (cough!) staffing your parishes, your Grace! Yes, these multitudinous olden-golden boys you collectively malign are the lifeblood of your diocese today. Are they good enough to get through your stringent quality-control process? If not, why are they still here? And if they are, doesn't it mean that back in their years of seminary, things were going just a little better?

The quality vs quantity argument is little more than a diversion, and it doesn't work. Either he thinks that back then, like now, they only ever got about one good solid ordination a year - and hence most of his priests today are useless - or he must admit that today we're going backwards. Surely even back then we could muster up 2 good eggs a year -which doubles today's throughput!

Moving on, Archbishop Bathersby sees the answer to all his problems is to be found in his latest "vision" and hippy-inspired spin-out logo - just as soon as the peons like you and me "get it".
"Once people grasp the excitement of the Jesus, Communion, and Mission emphasis of the Archdiocese, vocations to priesthood and religious life will flow again" he says.

Here we show said logo, with apologies.




Ah yes - once people finally grasp what we're on about they'll all come flocking. Once they nurse their eyes from the throbbing, hypnotic, swirling mass of firey reds and yellows they will realise how horrifying it could be to be engulfed by such ferocious colours for eternity! Surely they will do anything to avoid such a prospect! Who said fire-and-brimstone preaching was dead?

I mean, take a look at this. Doesn't it make you want to become a bishop?

Just so you can change it?